To Abby, please:I admire my son-in-law, Samuel, who is a wonderful father to my grandson and a wonderful partner to my daughter. Unfortunately, even when people try to change the subject or go away, he continues to talk excessively and jumps from one issue to another. He elaborates on things that I’m pretty sure never occurred and claims to be an authority on a variety of topics.
Although Samuel has a history of abuse, our family has loved and supported him for many years. I’m not sure if (or how) I should let him know that his incessant chatting can hinder his future aspirations, even though I know he loves and trusts me.
Despite his high level of intelligence, I would overlook him if I were an employer. This upsets me since I know what a fine, industrious young guy he is. Do I need to talk to him about it in private? Even though it seems insignificant, this bothers me. Give me an outsider’s perspective, please. Mother-in-law with wisdom
To the wise MIL:I have a gut feeling that would be a mistake. Nonetheless, it could be more tactful to address your concerns with your daughter so she can discuss them with Samuel.
To Abby, please:I recently took care of my mother in hospice for weeks. When she breathed her final breath, I was holding her hand. I had informed friends and family of her decision to join hospice care. They were aware that she would soon die. It was my responsibility to plan her burial because she was the only child still alive. My friends and everyone else asked me to notify them of the service date and time.
Excuses began to come in as soon as I posted the funeral details. People who claimed to love my mother and whom I had thought of as close friends and relatives gave me a dozen excuses for not going to her burial.
After Mom’s service, I looked back and saw that I had contributed to school fundraisers, purchased Girl Scout cookies, listened to their long list of problems, and attended every bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, burial, and graduation. They decided to abandon me during the most terrible period of my life. Then it hit me: I don’t actually have any family or friends that I care about.I would love to express my feelings of anger and abandonment to those folks. What do you think? In Denver, devastated
To Devastated:Please accept my sincere condolences for your mother’s passing. Although your feelings are valid, recognize that they are still raw at the moment. Do it because you want to express your feelings to these folks, but do it without being angry, even if that’s how you’re feeling at the moment. At a moment when you most needed them, talk to each of those people one-on-one and be open about how their absence made you feel sad and alone. You need to get it off your chest, and they need to hear it.
Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. Get in touch with Dear Abby via P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069, or at www.DearAbby.com.
